(Originally published on Medium October 7, 2019)
If like me, you are over fifty, I mean thirty, I mean twenty-fi…….two, then in all likelihood you have at some point been perplexed by the usage of online acronyms or “net lingo”. I actually only found out that it’s called “net lingo” when I googled “online acronym” and I only know how to google because my seven-year-old showed me how. I digress…….
You know what I’m talking about. Those dreaded collections of letters that stand in for a phrase. LOL means laughing out loud and TTYL substitutes for talk to you later because typing out three and four-word phrases is apparently too difficult to be managed by the Internet generation. I’ve noticed that, while some net lingo such as SMH for shaking my head makes perfect sense there are a few that really don’t seem to accurately convey the intended meaning. Take as examples: LMAO, LMFAO, ROFL, and the combined ROFLMAO (or ROFLMFAO).
I admit I’ve LOL’d but I have never Laughed My A$$ Off, Laughed My F%@&ing A$$ Off, Rolled On The Floor Laughing not to mention having never Rolled On The Floor Laughing My (F%@&ing) A$$ Off which I am reasonably sure isn’t even possible. And FML? Fold My Laundry? Feel My Lump? Frappucino Mocha Latte? I don’t even know what that means. To avoid further confusion my snarky BFFs (brittle frail fallers) and I have come up with some age-appropriate net lingo for those of us in our really, really, really, really late twenties. Or kind of early sixties, depending on your point of view.
LTIP: Laughed Till I Peed – This is not mine. This is from one of my snarky BFFs who routinely cracks us up and is routinely responsible for four middle-aged women simultaneously snort laughing and peeing our pants all at the same time. Yes. We’re that sexy.
LAC: Laughing And Crying-This is a common one of mine, particularly while watching, re-watching or discussing reruns of The Big Bang Theory. ShAmy will always be the best couple on TV.
SAP: Sneezing And Peeing– Exactly as the name suggests it has nothing to do with laughing. It has everything to do with having born children at some point. This may or may not need to be on your Facebook status. You’re in your really, really, really, really late twenties. Use your best judgment. (Days since I last sneezed without peeing:0.)
OMBWOA: Ow! My Back Went Out Again!– This can be used any time your back goes out while using social media or even when you simply want to get on social media to tell everyone that your back went out.
BRBIHTP: Be Right Back I Have To Pee (or Poo)– You may want to paste this one to your clipboard and post it onto your status or any active private message threads so that people will know you haven’t forgotten that you were talking to them and wandered into the street. You’re just peeing. Again. This gives your friends in your age group the opportunity to pee as well.
BRBIPMP (or BRBISMP): Be Right Back I Pissed (or Pooped) My Pants, alternately Be Right Back I Shit My Pants– When this status is employed social media friends are required by the dictates of online etiquette to allow you an additional twenty to thirty minutes to clean yourself up, get changed and clean your chair before you are required to rejoin any online communications. Again, use your judgment as to whether you want to use this status or log off for the night. You know best.
I2AMAIA- finally, for the insomniacs among us, It’s 2 AM And I’m Awake. This will forestall all quippy responses that you may receive from others of your kind who are also on social media at 2 AM but feel the need to poke fun at you for not sleeping. I would point out at this juncture that they are also not sleeping but once the I2AMAIA status is invoked, it is considered beyond the bounds of web decency for others to be pithy about it.
IIHIHOIIM-Is It Hot In Here Or Is It Me?: This one is for the use of post-menopausal women experiencing hot flashes only. It’s you. It’s always you.
There you have it, my list of net lingo for the over-fifty set. If you’re over fifty and online, please know your limits.